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Love Will Bring Us Home

This is a story from the caverns of my heart – a part of my heart that I rarely share with anyone apart from John.
But today, I feel called to share this particular cavern of my heart with you.
I originally wrote this piece for an audition I recently had. My audition piece wasn’t selected in the end, but I still wanted to share it with you all. Because this piece is so personal, I also recorded a video of me sharing it. This is the kind of piece where I think it’s important for you to hear my voice and my emotions behind it all. So feel free to watch it or read the piece below. They’re both the same story.
And please note, all questions in my piece are rhetorical. đ Thanks and enjoy.
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On the surface, I look like your typical white American woman.
I have a husband, three children and a cat, and weâve been part of a church for most of our lives.
But if you take a moment to look deeper, youâll see thereâs more to my story.
I, in fact, am biracial. I look white and sound white and so people assume I am white. But Iâm not. My mom is Korean and my dad is Caucasian. I had the privilege of living in South Korea for five years as an adult, and it was life-changing to live in the homeland of my ancestors. I fell in love with Korean food and culture, the language, and my people. I may look white but I think and feel more Korean than most people realize.
My marriage also makes me look like Iâm straight, but Iâm not. Iâm queer and my husband is straight, and we are in what is called a mixed orientation marriage. And what makes this whole story fascinating is that I didnât realize I was queer until 7 years into our marriage. No one ever told me you could go to bed one night thinking youâre straight and then wake up the next morning realizing youâre queer. Like, why wasnât this addressed in our premarital counseling?? đ Okay, so my storyâs a little more complicated than that, but for the sake of time, thatâs basically what happened.
Just to add to the complexity of life, Iâm also a recovering Christian. Having gone to church my whole life and eventually landing on a preaching team, all I ever knew and did was revolved around the church. But recently, as I started to deconstruct white straight male power and privilege and the patriarchy, I learned how much of my Christianity was the byproduct of white straight male thinking and ideology. As a biracial queer woman, their theology had no room for me. It didnât represent me or my story. Heck, it didnât even acknowledge my existence as biraciality and sexuality were never discussed in the churches I attended. Not being named is not being known. And after 30+ years in the Christian church, I couldnât stand being unnamed and unknown any longer, and so I left.
And itâs scary, you know.
Because I have three little kids.
Three little kids who look up to me and ask me the deepest, most brilliant questions all the time, especially my oldest. Sheâs 7 but I swear sheâs an old soul living in a childâs body. She was 4 or 5 when we were snuggling in bed one night when she asked, âMom, where are the middle people?â I said, âIâm not sure what you mean, honey⊠what do you mean by middle people?â And she said, âYou know. There are boys, girls, and then there are boy/girls. You know, middle people.â And I was like, âDang girl, are we talking about transgender people?â We ended up having this amazing talk about people who are transgender and it was such a beautiful conversation.
But I never had these kinds of conversations growing up. I didnât know the term transgender til I was an adult. So at times I feel incredibly inadequate when trying to answer my daughterâs questions.
The same thing applies to the church. Iâve only ever known church life. So to no longer be a part of a church almost feels wrong, especially when I think about my children.
- What if Christianity is right? And what if I’m wrong?
- What if itâs the true religion, and Iâm completely screwing up my kids and their afterlife by pulling them out of the church?
- Will they be mad at me when they get older for not having given them the tradition and community and faith that comes with being part of a church?
- Will they become even more agnostic or atheist than I am and be completely turned off to any level of spirituality?
- Is it my fault if thatâs what ends up happening?
- Am I okay with all of this?
And the questions go on, spiraling down a thousand âWhat ifâsâ in trying to think through every scenario possible to try to figure out if what Iâm choosing to do with my life and my childrenâs lives is wise or foolish⊠or maybe somewhere in between.
But hereâs the thing, you guys.
When Iâm spiraling down the path of the thousand âWhat ifsâ, I can tell Iâm operating from a place of fear. My whole body constricts, my breathing becomes shallow, and I can feel my whole face scrunch up.
But when I think about how Iâm resisting toxic theology, and how Iâm standing against queerphobia and standing for full inclusion of all kinds of beautiful people, I feel my whole body expand, I feel a lightness to my chest, and my whole face lights up – I realize then that this is what it means to operate from a place of love.
And if thereâs anything I have learned in my 34 years of life here on Earth it’s that I refuse to make decisions based in fear. Instead, I will keep choosing love over and over again, love for myself, love for others, and love for my children, until love brings me and my babies all the way home.
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[Featured photo: James Picard on Unsplash]
Your stories inspire me and fill my heart with joy. As a mother of a gay son whom I dearly love it breaks my heart to have seen his struggles. Iâm proud to be the mother of a gay son who is true to who he is and to how God crested him. Bless you!
I just so appreciate your love and pride in your son! Thank you for honoring and loving him for who he is. People like you give me hope for the future! <3 Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post.
I feel this so hard. As a biracial 30 something, former church staff member, mom of 2 littles and recovering Christian. So glad to find you, and so comforting to know that this path is traveled by others! <3
Aw, I’m so glad to know YOU exist! Truly. It’s a lonely journey and I find so much comfort when I discover another soul like mine. It may be lonely but we have each other. I’m so glad you found my site. <3