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Exchanging my Regret for our Gift

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First time writing in baby’s journal

Guys. We are just 1 week’ish away from baby being here. I can’t believe it! He’s moving around like crazy and causing me to pee every hour but even with the interrupted sleep and my terribly slow waddle, I am FINALLY, finally at a place where I feel ready to welcome him at his birth. Let me explain.

As most of you know, this sweet baby was a ‘whoops’. We didn’t mean to get pregnant. And because of that reason, this pregnancy has been the most emotional pregnancy I’ve had. It took me several months just to be able to accept this pregnancy, and that’s where it stopped. I couldn’t seem to reach the point to where I could say I was genuinely excited about this pregnancy.

And for that reason, we asked a dear friend of ours who is an incredible pray-er, to come over a couple Fridays ago and pray over us. Even though we were 37 weeks along, I still felt such a need for healing over how this pregnancy started and my emotions towards it all. Our friend K has prayed over us before, and I don’t think I’ve ever had dry eyes whenever she’s prayed. She’s just that powerful.

Well, that Friday’s night prayer led me to full-out weeping. God used her to speak to the most hurting and aching parts of my heart in regards to this pregnancy. K asked if I was able to sum up my pregnancy and emotions in one word from the past 8+ months, and the word that came to mind was:

And, guys, it is not easy typing that out and admitting that out loud. It seems so cruel for a loving mother to feel that way about a precious unborn child, but it’s honestly how I have felt these past several months. Just a heavy weight of wishing I could go back and change things (aka: not get pregnant).

But during our prayer time, God met me there – in the midst of me holding the word Regret in my hands. And he offered to exchange it for a word in his hands – the word Gift. Tears immediately started rolling down my cheeks as that word hit the deepest part of my soul. I had yet to view my pregnancy or this child as a gift, but how badly I wanted to! So we did it… we did the exchange. No longer was I holding the word Regret in my hands but ever so gingerly I was holding this new word Gift and I couldn’t stop looking at it with such awe and adoration.

And something happened in that moment. Somehow and in some way I felt this release… this permission to be able to move past the Regret part and into the future with this child – freedom to dream about the person he’ll become and the impact he’ll have on this world. It was such a unique place to be after all these months of just focusing on the past and how I wish I could change things.

As a result, I was finally able to pull out baby’s journal, tear off the packaging, and sit down and write to him in it. This may seem small, but it is huge for me. I have a journal for both our girls as well as our future adopted baby, and I started writing in all 3 of these the moment I either found out I was pregnant or decided we were going to adopt. It’s one of my favorite things about being a Mom – that I will be able to give my children the gift of these journals that have my heart and soul poured out into them.

But for this baby… his journal’s been tucked away as I just had nothing to write to him. I didn’t know where to start, and my emotions were too heavy and serious and slightly negative for me to want to risk writing anything I’d regret later on.

But that Friday night… I was able to take out his beautiful blue journal, and for the first time, begin to scribble out my love for him. It was a powerful moment, a healing moment, where, for the first time, I could see this baby as a gift and thus begin to feel excitement to grow within me.

*Sweet baby boy, I know it’s been a bumpy 9 months, but please know, Mommy loves you and can’t wait to hold you in my arms and pull you to my chest where I will snuggle and kiss you into the wee hours of the night. You are precious and ever-so-patient with your mama-to-be – thank you. I truly do love you.*

So here’s to the last week of our pregnancy – may it be filled with laughter, joy, and growing excitement over baby’s arrival. You are loved, sweet son!


  1. Lisa McKay on September 11, 2015 at 9:25 am

    I just jumped on over here from Sarah Bessey’s group and have been reading some of your posts. Kudos to you for having the bravery to share so honestly the emotional highs and lows of this unexpected season. I sure hope the delivery goes well, and beyond. Blessings. Lisa

    • on September 11, 2015 at 6:31 pm

      Lisa, Thanks so much for dropping by! Especially all the way from Vanuatu 🙂 Thank you for your kind words and well wishes – I too hope for this unexpected journey to continue to climb upward. So appreciate your encouraging words <3 Sincerely, Nikole

  2. Jessic balaguer on September 11, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I felt very much the same way about my youngest son. He was a opps in a time where I was already overwhelmed with my two sons and my husband was not very happy about the news. I wish I was as brave as you to accept the feelings and move on. 2.5 years later I still at times feel guilty. Many blessings on the new addition.

    • on September 14, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Jess, Thank you so much for your words and for so honestly sharing part of your story. I’ve been encouraged to hear from so many women who’ve been in similar shoes and it’s healing to know I’m not the only one who’s had a pregnancy they regretted. Though I experienced much healing in that time of prayer, I also know the practical implications of our unplanned pregnancy – it truly has changed the course of our family’s life, and while I know beauty will come from that, I still have moments where I mourn the previous trajectory of our family’s journey. The length of this journey of acceptance has really surprised me… just when I seem to accept things and move on, I realize I haven’t fully accepted things. So it’s an ongoing struggle of prayer, acceptance, peace, reflection, mourning, more prayer, etc. As I continue on my journey of acceptance, I will be praying Blessings over you and your family. Thanks so much again for sharing part of your story with me!

  3. Shannon Mersinger on September 12, 2015 at 1:00 am

    Hey friend, I am so blessed by reading your heart here, all spelled out and raw and real and I’m so thankful that you took the step to ask K to come pray for you guys and for how the Holy Spirit works to come and bring healing and wholeness into our broken situations! Man I’m rambling but I’m super excited for you to have experienced this healing! And thank you for sharing it with me. We love and miss you guys and are praying for this transition for your family. And who knows… maybe I can talk Steve into traveling up that way some time for a visit 🙂 Love y’all!!!

    • on September 14, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      Shannon, thanks so much for stopping by! Girl, we love you guys so much and have been so blessed by your long-distance friendship. We’d love to have you guys up here, but hopefully we can cross paths come January when we’re in Florida! We love you guys <3

  4. Soph on September 13, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    This brought tears to my eyes to read Nikole! So beautiful!

    • on September 14, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      Love you sister!

  5. Andrea on September 13, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    Congratulations Nikole 🙂 <3
    That's so powerful…

    Yeah~ my pregnancy with Naomi was So hard – mentally & emotionally; the fact that she wasn't planned was just the beginning…
    I totally relate to you saying you weren't excited. Honestly, for the majority of my pregnancy, Providence was more excited about the baby than I was. (And her excitement was truly a blessing!)
    Then once she was born, it was like the hard emotions, difficult thoughts of the previous nine mo. were erased! (It was so amazing.) Another great blessing from God…
    But now I'm struggling to feel good about my life as a mom of two (or "satisfied with my performance" so to speak).

    • on September 14, 2015 at 7:53 pm

      I hear you on what a blessing it is to see your other child(ren) so excited about the pregnancy. Seeing Mercy so excited to have a little brother has brought me so much joy and I believe even healing in ways I can’t explain. And I too hope to experience what you did with sweet Naomi – that once baby is born, there will be such peace, healing, and joy in this new change in our family’s life! And I hear you on the struggle on trying to be a ‘good mom’ to multiple children. I can barely handle two kids at times that I’m afraid to think what life will look like with 3 kids! So I just keep looking to other families who have 3 or 4 children and think to myself, “If they can do it, then surely I can too.” That’s the hope anyway 🙂
      Love you sis <3 So appreciate you sharing your heart with me <3

      • Andrea on September 16, 2015 at 2:06 am

        by the way, there are some great boy names that mean “gift” or “gift of God”…

        (those are just off the top of my head)

        • on September 29, 2015 at 6:33 pm

          Love this! Love name suggestions <3

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