The Ups and Downs of Adoption

Prayer by Leland Francisco, Flickr

I feel like this picture perfectly captures the state of my heart and mind these past couple weeks.

Our adoption process is only beginning and I’m already an emotional wreck. Goodness knows what I’m going to look like 6 months from now. 😀 Don’t mind me if I have bags under my eyes and wear hats to hide my hideousness. 😉

Before we started the adoption process, I prayed a lot about our adoption, particularly about the financial aspect of it. In the past year and a half that I’ve been praying, I felt the Lord speak to me about our finances. The impression I got from him was that the whole fundraising process would happen pretty quickly. There wasn’t any timeline or specific dates I was given, but if I had to put a timetable to it, I’d say it felt like it was going to take just a few months. I had tremendous peace about it as these kinds of words have happened to me before and have happened accordingly, which is amazing and crazy at the same time! So for the 18 months leading up to our adoption announcement, I had this crazy sense of peace and joy that our finances would work out just fine in the end.

I of course knew that we would do everything in our power to raise the money that we would need, and I also knew we are blessed with such an amazing community around the U.S. and even around the world. So little doubt entered my mind or heart when it came to the finances needed for our adoption.

Well, that has slightly changed. I seem to be in the exact opposite state as I was just a couple months ago. I can’t help but see a HUGE mountain of impossibility before me, it being between me and our sweet little baby. That the $40,000 we need to raise for our adoption seems like a total injustice to the children who need families and to the families who want children.  How is it possible to raise more money than we make in a year?? It just seems impossible. Or if anything, that it’ll take years to raise that much money.

The past week I’ve broken down in tears as I try to come up with as many creative ways as possible to raise money. I feel like I’m trying to chip away at an iceberg when what I really want to do is bulldoze the whole thing.

Now this post isn’t a plea for money (unless you happen to have $40,000 lying around…;). I just truly want to share where I’m at in our journey. That as fun and exciting as adoption can be, it sure comes with a whole lotta emotions, too. Just like a pregnancy, there’s so much you can’t control. But unlike a pregnancy, there’s no guaranteed timeline of when your adoption process will end. And on my most discouraged days, that almost seems like a cruel joke.

How badly I yearn to already hold our little baby and yet we have no clue when s/he will come home.

How badly I want to raise the money and raise it fast but there is no guarantee that we’ll even be able to raise the $40,000.

How badly I want to fly through the adoption process but certain paperwork and legal parts of the process require a certain amount of time to wait.

How badly I just want to know how it’s all going to work out and yet I can only know the moment that we are currently in.

As I was crying to the Lord a couple weeks back, I felt him say to me: “Look at me. Not at the amount of money. Not at the stormy sea. Just look at me and we’ll make it.” At times I feel like Peter who stepped out of the boat and onto the stormy sea. At times I feel I’ve taken on too much. I’ve stepped too deep and the waves are about to overtake me. But just as I’m tempted to stare at the out-of-my-control situation, Jesus softly calls my name and upon doing so, I look up and catch his eyes and realize I was looking at the wrong place the whole time. And when I look in his eyes that peace I previously had washes over me once again. And a small smile slowly creeps across my face as I realize how small our problem is in comparison to his beautiful face, his knowing eyes, and his big, big grin. It all seems right again. It seems silly that I fretted at all and it only seems natural to trust him and feel good about it.

And so that’s what I’m doing. Trying to keep my gaze on him and not on the waves around me.