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The Gift of Vulnerability / Preggo Update (11 weeks)
Wow, people… we have been truly amazed at all the love and support you guys have shown us in the past two weeks. In the weeks leading up to our big announcement, I was bursting to tell everyone and yet felt I couldn’t because I was afraid I would say all the wrong things (because of the emotional wreck that I was) and would hurt people as a result. So while I waited til I was a little more ‘stable’ with the news, it naturally had the isolating effect. People would ask about our adoption process, and, not yet feeling ready to share the raw and hurting news of our unexpected pregnancy, I would talk as though the adoption process was still going on and nothing had changed. And while it was true that we were still continuing with the adoption at that point in time, it was hard to not talk about the overwhelming news of our pregnancy. So by the time I published our announcement on this blog, I felt SO isolated and in so much turmoil and pretty scared to be so honest in my blog post.
But then you guys showed up. You read the blog post, and you reached out your (virtual) arms and pulled us into a warm hug where I could just weep into your shoulder. It was hard being honest with how I felt about the pregnancy, but you didn’t judge me. You listened, you loved, and you surrounded me/us with your prayers and your presence. People have poured out their love by donating money, meals, and babysitting time. People have written long emails, sharing their heart and many of whom shared times of when they too wept at the sight of a positive pregnancy test. You took my vulnerability and reciprocated it by openly sharing parts of your stories, your wounds, and your hearts, and I can’t tell you what a treasure each of those letters are. Thank you for being vulnerable and meeting me/us where we’re at. It’s one of the greatest gifts anyone could receive.
We are officially 11 weeks along (how did that happen?!), and I just busted out the rubberband trick for the first time today. John thinks the belly looks cute, but I remind him it’s not the baby he’s seeing, but just the bloated stomach of his wife (you’re welcome for that visual;). At this point in the pregnancy I’m feeling pretty exhausted, a little queasy, and mostly bloated/fat/uncomfortable. I’m at the stage where if people see my belly, they can’t tell if I’m pregnant or just have a nice muffin top going on – it’s pretty much the worst part of the pregnancy physically-looking-wise. Once the pregnant belly is obvious, then it’s cute IMO. 🙂 So I’m several weeks out from that at this point.
So far, I’ve been kind of hoping it’s a girl because I feel like I have the girl thing figured out, and boys just kind of scared me. But just yesterday I was telling John that I think it might be a boy because this pregnancy has been so different from my last two pregnancies. With both the girls I was super nauseous and absolutely hated sweets (which was an absolute miracle for this sweets-lovin’ girl). This pregnancy, however, I’m barely queasy (thankfully!), I still love my sweets, and I love eating spicy food several times a week (kimchi and rice have been a favorite so far; as well as Pad Thai as you may have read on facebook:). And they say if you love spicy food, you’re carrying a boy (who knows if that’s true!). So all that to say that I think just maybe it’s a boy. Which kind of freaks me out (boy hormones and little penises scare me!), and makes John pretty excited. He’s been ready for a boy for a long time.
So we’ll keep you posted! We’re definitely planning on finding out the baby’s gender, mainly to help me bond with him/her while s/he’s inside of me. We found out with Mercy, and we didn’t with Eden, and now we’re back to finding out the ‘great reveal’ at the beginning of April hopefully. I already can’t wait for that day. <3
Again, thank you to each and every one of you who’ve loved on us and supported us and prayed for us in the past couple weeks. We have been so humbled by everyone’s support and yet so, so thankful. We couldn’t do this journey without you guys. You have encouraged us, given us hope, and communicated love to us in so many real ways. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
So beautiful Nikole. Messy, but beautiful. Love you AND your family, all 5 of you. (well, I actually have taken quite the fondness to your extended family as well so I guess that makes quite a lot more than 5….. :D)
Thanks Soph. I still crack up thinking about when we talked about changing my blog name to something less messy and more divinely perfectly (ie: “Perfectly Planned”;) in the hopes that my life would stop being so messy and more controlled and planned! But, that wouldn’t make for a very fun or faith-filled life, huh? We love you guys so much and are SO thankful to be able to do life together. <3
“isolating” is EXACTLY the word! …definitely felt that way the first month/month & half of knowing we were expecting this baby :-/ It was really rough, because right when I could’ve used *The Most* external excitement (wasn’t feeling it myself), we hadn’t told anyone yet & were still waiting to… (& thus bypassed some prime opportunities to share the news & receive other people’s excitement/support).
(We weren’t expecting to expand our family Quite that soon, husband had recently lost his job & was in the process of getting re-established, I was Really not mentally/emotionally ready to give up whatever remained of our independence/flexibility by having a 2nd child (firmly in Domestic Zone once you’ve got 2 kids! -with 1 you can still kinda hang out at the edge of it 😉
And all that came right before the most severe/intense winter on record…while taking care of a very high-energy toddler & a [feels like!] high-effort house with a husband working pretty long hours… Oy! 😛
And even though the weather’s much better now & we’re looking forward to welcoming this baby w/in the next couple months, I still kinda feel like the little cloud or shadow of un-enthusiasm (depression?) that came at the beginning of this pregnancy has never fully gone away -still hovers around- some days in the background, other days closer-by.
(*I’ll def. be watching out for PPD…)
Anyway~ ALLLLL that to say: your posts really resonate with me 🙂 <3 <3
Girl, I LOVE this. I totally hear you… sad to miss those initial opportunities for friends and family to support you, but what are you supposed to do when you’re still reeling with shock/surprise/sadness over the news yourself?? Not easy, that’s for sure. And I love your comment about hanging out at the edge of the Domestic Zone with 1 kid – I’m seriously cracking up over here! Because it’s true 😉 And I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who still feels that cloud of un-enthusiasm hovering around. I thought I’d be over it and fully-excited with each passing day, but even though I’m 7 months in, I still have moments of tears or angst or other non-happy emotions… (happy emotions too, but lots of other emotions at the same time). Life is such a mess! The older I get, everything becomes less and less black and white and more and more messy. I think there’s a lot of good in that, but it doesn’t necessarily make it easy. 🙂 I’ll be stalking your fb feed for news on your little one’s arrival – any day now!! Good luck, mama!!